TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from put. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have another put exactly where American Males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Everybody a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed Trump Tower Damascus in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will also include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have turn-down support."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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